COP OUT

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Hundreds of world leaders and their proxies have boarded their private jets and gathered in Glasgow to discuss…..THE CLIMATE CRISIS. Their private airplanes are rumored to be fuelled by Greta’s hopes and dreams, making this the first ever carbon neutral assembly.

Leaders from around the world have already pledged to numerous obligations aiming to mitigate climate change and aid in adaptation, so that the need to bomb Palau to put them out of their misery doesn’t arise; after all, assisted suicide is not yet legal everywhere.

For example, a tremendous effort is being made to end deforestation, with more than 100 world leaders promising to in fact reverse it, by 2030. Meanwhile, Brazil’s person no.1 and head of the Amazon clearance task force, skipped a few days of the UN talks to take a stroll in Italy. There, Bolsonaro protesters were met with water canons and the Italian president was forced to apologise for his constituents’ behaviour. Despite the commotion, Brazil did commit to the deforestation pledge, however it is rumored that during the critical moment of the pledge, the appointed translator had to take a toilet break. It is not clear if Brazil has signed for or against deforestation.

In our local news, president Anastasiades addressed the summit and introduced the extremely high profile alliances made among countries of the MENA region, which are already burning up. Efforts to minimise forest destruction are already maxed out, and with no further actions required, Cyprus is the first country to have fulfilled the deforestation agreement’s tasks. A few questions remain as to the fulfillment of goals in climate change mitigation in Cyprus, while half of the island’s natural environment, energy or water consumption and greenhouse gas emissions are still not considered in national statistics, among others, however Mr. Anastasiadis assured everyone that he double checked the numbers and all is well. The president of the Republic of Cyprus also reintroduced halloumi, which underwent major rebranding and patenting during 2021.

Finally, the Israeli Energy minister, who reportedly went missing after criticising the summit’s organisers for lack of suitable infrastructure and wheelchair access, was found alive and well by UN officials. An insider told us that discrimination charges is the last thing the UN needs right now and that is why Karine Elharrar “disappeared” for a while. According to another source, Karine seems to have actually been relieved not to participate in COP26, because at the time she was wearing a “Free Palestine” t-shirt underneath her suit.

For more updates, stay tuned.